im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
