before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
