i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
