It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
