He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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