Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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