hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
