Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
