My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
