Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
