Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
