Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
