new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
tell me about the eggs
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
