dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
