For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
