my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
