Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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