Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
