I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
