threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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