Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
