corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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