My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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