My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
