I wish I could punch you in the face.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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