After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
