the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize