How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
