i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
