You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
