while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
