im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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