you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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