FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
