My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Randomize
