dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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