My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Randomize
