No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
