ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
