So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
