Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
