she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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