you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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