The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
