I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
