I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
