I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
