I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
