everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
