dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
