Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
So vagazzling was a success
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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