I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize