you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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