Tell her she can't have a vagina
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
