Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
