i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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